


Before

by friedlieb_ferdinand_runge



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Case Fic, Complete, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, One Shot, Sad with a Happy Ending, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 06:38:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17441822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friedlieb_ferdinand_runge/pseuds/friedlieb_ferdinand_runge
Summary: What if Emily had been there during 'Nelson's Sparrow'? What would've happened after?





	Before

It had been easier before.

Easier to do the job.

Easier to be part of the team.

It had been easier before.

Emily sighed and pulled on her shoes- flats today, she didn't have the energy to walk in heels.

She picked up her go bag and opened her door, waving a goodbye at Sergio before she realized he was still with Penelope. Emily walked outside, it was warm, one of those rare DC days where the sky was still and the sun lit your path. It was too bad she'd barely be there to see it.

It took her twenty minutes to get to work, shorter than usual because for once the subway was quiet. She almost wished it hadn't been.

As she walked down the hall of the BAU she passed the wall of pictures, an embarrassing space between two of them, nail holes that hadn't been covered. She ignored it and walked into the bullpen, dropping her bag in her desk drawer.

"Hey Emily" JJ said, stopping at her side. Her eyes were tired, another restless night. There had been too many of them for the young mom, Emily didn't envy her job, choosing the cases they took and worse- choosing the cases they didn't.

Emily put on her best smile, "Hey JJ, how's things?"

JJ started to answer when Spencer passed, he kept his head down. JJ glanced at him and looked at Emily with the same tired look, Emily nodded, "Yeah"

Even Derek's saunter was off as he opened the door to the bullpen. He smiled at Emily slyly but his eyes didn't seem to get the memo.

They filed into the conference room, barely a word. Rossi sensed it when he sat down, Emily watched as he picked up the case file, a tremor in his hands that hadn't been there before.

Hotch and Penelope joined them next, Penelope's normally static demeanor was dampened, starkly contrasting the weather outside. Hotch nodded at them, lingering a little longer on Spencer, he even managed one of his thin smiles. His eyes were hollow as he sat down.

Hollow.

Is that what they were now?

Penelope pulled up four pictures on the screen, four women, four lives, four deaths.

"These are Renee Sunter, Willow Isaac, Camilla Romero and Sadie Right. They were found in a mass grave yesterday evening in Utah by a leisure biker"

Morgan was the first to speak, "Where were they found?"

"In Bryce Canyon National Park, just along the bike trail" Penelope replied, she turned away from the screen, careful not to look at the pictures.

JJ opened the ME report in her case file, "The cause of death was suffocation, but they didn't find any ligature marks"

"What they did find" Rossi said, looking down at his own file, "Was dirt in their lungs and under their nails"

"They were buried alive" Reid said, Emily glanced at him, forcing herself not to look longer. She watched out of her peripheral as the rest of them did the same.

"Bryce Canyon Police Department and the national park service are on edge" Hotch said, Emily nodded, they had reason to be. It was the start of tourist season.

"We need to determine if this is a serial murder or a vendetta, wheels up in thirty"

Hotch stood and walked out of the room, Rossi following a short time after, then Penelope, leaving Emily wondering if they were really okay. She looked around the room and wondered if any of them were really okay.

JJ cleared her throat and smiled as best she could, Emily gave her points for that. The willingness to be open and kind when everyone else shut down was why Emily had attached to her so quickly.

"I don't know about you guys but I am in desperate need of coffee" She looked around the room hopefully. Derek smiled at her,

"If you're buying sweetheart"

Anyone else, Emily might have considered punching. But this was Derek. If anything, his genuine smile and joking demeanor made Emily want to hug him.

"Prentiss?"

Emily looked up at Derek. For a split second her trust issues kicked in, telling her he was asking out of politeness not because he wanted her there. She shook it off before it went further and nodded, standing.

"What about you Pretty Boy? Sick of the in-house coffee?"

Spencer shook his head, still looking at his hands, "I'm okay"

Derek opened his mouth like he wanted to argue but JJ's gentle hand on his arm and a shake of her head stopped him.

Emily had been amazed at that from the beginning, any standing, any respect she got her whole life was from being loud and outright. To be seen as an equal to alpha males, you had to be an alpha. JJ, on the other hand, could quiet a room with one soft word. People hung on the edge of their seats to hear her, because she had things to say and do that counted.

Emily often wondered if she would ever achieve that.

They walked down the hall in silence, thoughts falling on stone tongues etched out of loss.

Loss.

How many more people she loved would die?

Derek opened the door for them, chivalrous to the very end. Emily almost said it out loud.

Almost.

A coffee cart was stationed as close to the BAU as it could without armed agents raining down, Emily could hear Hotch's voice in her head, telling them it was Spencer's doing, his need of coffee that kept them so close.

They had laughed then, they always did when Hotch joked, it was too rare not to appreciate.

Rare, just like the weather.

"It's a beautiful day today" she'd meant to phrase it like a question, an exciting truth, an open to a conversation. It had come out like a statement, a one liner, an observation.

JJ nodded at the sky, and ordered their coffee. She knew all their orders, either from spending far too much time together or from drinking far too much coffee. Probably both.

They walked back inside with the hot cups in their hands.

Emily wished it would rain.

\---

JJ stared out the plane window, her head resting on the glass.

Emily was right. It was a beautiful day, she could see everything. Every monument, every building, every home. She imagined if she looked hard enough she would see Henry, playing soccer in the front yard with Will. The thought brought tears to her eyes for some reason. She blinked them away.

They'd already gone over the case again. They'd already determined it wasn't a hate crime because three of the women were white, one was Hispanic. They'd gotten their assignments, the usual, JJ and Hotch to the precinct, Rossi and Derek to the crime scene, Emily and Spence to the M.E.

She turned away from the window and watched her team, her eyes caught on Rossi, the only one other than her not looking at the file- or in Spencer's case, a map.

JJ stood, stumbling a little halfway, Hotch caught her elbow to keep her from falling. She smiled gratefully and held the tops of the seats the rest of the way. When she sat down Rossi raised his eyebrow, "Reaching out or seeking out?"

JJ laughed, "I thought you could use the company" she paused and spoke quieter, "I could use the company"

Rossi nodded, "Well then, thank you and" he gestured to himself, "I'm right here"

They sat quietly before JJ's curiosity got the best of her, "Do you think if he'd been in contact, we could have done something?"

"Don't go down that road JJ" Rossi warned, "Trust me, it only leads to dark places"

"Aren't we already in a dark place?" JJ sunk back in her chair, "Everyone is so..."

"I know," Rossi reached forward and patted her hand, guilt and sadness and something else JJ couldn't put her finger on written all over his face, "I know"

They landed fifteen minutes later, JJ was the last one off. She walked to Hotch as he stepped up to one of the government issued SUV's. He opened the door and stepped in, JJ followed suit. They drove in silence, which wasn't out of the ordinary for Hotch but something in JJ needed him to break from his habit. As if he sensed it he turned his head slightly to look at her,

"Jack woke me up this morning asking for eggs Benedict" He shook his head and smiled, one of his soft genuine smiles JJ only saw on him when he talked about his son.

JJ smiled, "Uncle Dave spoiling him too much?"

Hotch nodded, "I didn't even know what eggs Benedict was until Dave had him over for a night"

JJ remembered that, Rossi had said something about how he had 'almost forgotten what Jack looks like it's been so long', JJ knew that it was really about how between his job and being a good single dad, Hotch hadn't slept in a week. It had taken some of Rossi's negotiation skills but Hotch finally let Jack stay the night at his mansion. You could tell by his attitude the next day it had been the best sleep he'd had in months.

"Henry asked me if he could share some of 'mommies apple juice'" JJ scoffed at the memory, "Apparently Will told him our whiskey is special juice I keep all to myself"

Hotch chuckled, "Remember when they couldn't even sit up?"

JJ smiled and fingered her necklace, "Yeah.."

They were quiet again, but as they saw the Bryce Precinct in front of them an odd sense of panic set over JJ, "We do this for them right? All this pain and heartbreak is worth it because it keeps them safe?"

Hotch parked the car in front of the doors and looked at her, all serious and sure, "Yes." Only one word, he seemed to think it was all that needed to be said.

Maybe for him it was, not JJ.

She needed him to explain to her why this always happened, why, no matter how hard they tried or the amount of good they did, they always got bit, every snake more poisonous than the last.

Hotch didn't sense her thoughts this time, maybe he was too consumed in his own, he shut off the car and got out, JJ unbuckled her seat belt and opened the door slowly. She set her jaw and tried to feel as sure as Hotch sounded.

She did this for the people who couldn't protect themselves. For the families. For the children. For Henry.

And it was worth it.

She desperately tried to believe it as she walked into the police station behind Hotch.

\---

Rossi watched as Derek walked around the crime scene. He wondered if the agent knew what he looked like while he tried to get inside the Unsubs head. Like a juror at a murder trial.

His second wife had asked him once if he'd ever been to a killer he's profiled's trial to testify. He'd answered no, truthfully. He wasn't the one to get called up to the stand. If she'd rephrased her question, asked if he'd ever been to a killer he'd profiled's trial and left it at that, he probably would have answered no again.

It would have been a lie.

That was just the kind of man he used to be.

He had been to a lot of trials, ones that went well, others that didn't. He hadn't been to one in a while though, the emotional toll it took was too great. He had enough weight on his shoulders as it was.

Derek walked up to him, "The dump sight is really visible from the trail, he would have had to dump the bodies at night so he wouldn't get caught"

"The trails are always empty at night" Ranger Swallow said from next to Rossi, "We close 'em off once the stars come out"

Rossi paused at the rangers choice of words but brushed it off, "How would he get up here if they're closed off?"

"By closed off I really mean we hang a chain in front of the entrance, most people aren't stupid enough to go hiking at night" Swallow said with a shrug.

Derek took off his sunglasses, his tell that he was about to make a deduction, "It would take time to drag four women this far and even more time to bury them, there's no way he did that all and got home before the sun came up"

"He's staying somewhere in the park" Rossi nodded, "Let's get to the precinct, see if Reid and Prentiss have anything and call Garcia"

Derek nodded and the two hiked back to the road and the SUV. As they climbed back into the car Rossi's thoughts wandered.

He thought about the Behavioral Science Units fourth case. Two dead bodies and no leads. He had been tired and frustrated. The particular case hit close to home, newly weds, just like him and Caroline. After interviewing a victims parents he was torn, Jason found him sitting in a corner, a picture of the victims in his hands and tears in his eyes. He'd asked Jason what the point was, if there would just be another killer, another victim, another family that's lost everything. His partner just looked at him dead in the eye and said,

You're right. There'll be another case, and another. But if we do our job right? There'll be one less killer, one less victim and one less family who's lost everything, that seems worth it to me.

It didn't seem like much now, it was a fact everyone knew. Except all those years ago, when they were just starting out and finding their way? The surety in his voice had meant the world.

Rossi barely noticed as they pulled up next to an identical black SUV, he barely remembered walking into the precinct. He was still lost in thought, thinking about those first cases.

They'd believed they were making history then, and in a way he supposed they were.

But what they wrote in history book -what he wrote in his own books- left out the most important parts.

Hope.

Friendship.

Love.

Family.

Those were things written in memories.

Memories he'd pushed away a long time ago.

Rossi's second wife had also asked him what his biggest regret was.

He never would've admitted the truth.

\---

Derek walked into the precinct behind Rossi, he nodded a hello at Hotch then pulled out his phone. It didn't take him long to find Penelope's name, he had one number in his emergency contacts, hers.

"Speak and be heard oh fortunate one"

She'd used that one before, Derek noted, she never used the same intro twice, at least not before.

"Hey Baby Girl, I need you to look into campers near the dump sight, we think our Unsub is camping there"

"You got it, I'll hit you back" She hung up without a few words of encouragement or more playful banter, something she also never used to do before.

Before.

That's all he classified it in his brain, just like when Elle left, just like when JJ left, just like when he thought he'd lost Emily and now he was using it instead of just admitting-

He couldn't bring himself to finish the thought. Instead, he moved to Hotch and Rossi. Rossi had already caught the team leader up to speed, Derek relayed what Penelope had said. They didn't move after that, a shared closeness between them none of them wanted to admit and none of them wanted to break. Derek was about to ask after JJ when she walked in the room, a pastry box in her hand. She set it down and opened it,

"Complimentary of the Park Rangers"

Rossi managed a laugh, "Wasn't it cops who're supposed to have an obsession with donuts?"

Derek moved up next to her and leaned in, "Awe man" he pulled out a large bear claw before sinking into a seat, "We should come to Utah more often"

JJ joined him, "Next time on vacation" she pinched her fingers open and closed a few times until Derek understood, he ripped off a portion of the donut and handed it to her. At her sigh of satisfaction Derek raised an eyebrow,

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Um..." JJ wrinkled her eyebrows, "I was rushed this morning... worked late last night... yesterday morning?"

Derek almost laughed when Hotch shook his head and left the room, he didn't because he was worried too. JJ waved him off, "It's fine," she held up her donut, "I'm eating now"

Derek sighed but didn't say anything else. He took another bite of his bear claw and looked back at the box, wondering if he could sneak another one without Rossi noticing.

That's when he saw the small round donut, rainbow sprinkles speckled on the top. It had been Gideon's favorite, Derek had been surprised at first, but in an odd way it made sense. Derek found himself smiling and looking up to offer it to him. His smile dropped and he was left feeling empty.

Rossi leaned forward and took the donut out of the box, the sprinkles fell to the floor when he took a bite, Derek watched them fall to the floor.

Then all of a sudden he was angry, he set down the rest of his donut and stormed out of the room, a startled JJ and Rossi watched him leave. He walked up to Hotch, surrounded by cops. He shouldn't make a scene. He shouldn't call Hotch out. He should be focused on the case. He didn't care,

"Why didn't he have a funeral?"

Derek was expecting surprise on Hotch's face, anger even, not the resignation dripping from his features, "Excuse us"

The cops nodded and walked away, whispering to each other. Hotch looked at Derek, "Are we doing this now?"

Derek ran a hand over his head, "Yeah Hotch"

Again, no surprise, just resignation and a nod, "Okay" Hotch folded his arms, "We both know Steven wanted a closed cremation so he could scatter the ashes in California"

"What about us?" Derek knew he was being irrational, so what? He had a right to be.

"It wasn't our decision Derek, it was his sons" Hotch's tone was quiet, and not because he was worried about people listening in. He'd also called him Derek, something that he rarely did.

"I know" Anger ebbed away to the pain underneath, it always did, "Part of me just wants to think if I'd said a proper goodbye.."

"It would be easier" Hotch nodded at him, "I know" He walked past him, patting him lightly on the shoulder.

Derek leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes.

He never would have yelled like that before Gideon-

Before.

\---

Spencer hated hospitals, he blamed it on the light, the smell, honestly, he'd blame it on anything but the truth. Gray faces and shaking hands. Doctor bills they couldn't afford. His mother blaming him for putting him in danger.

Danger, blame. One always went with the other, if there's danger, there's someone to blame, if there's blame, there's someone in danger. Spencer had never believed anything different.

He blamed the Unsub first, anger and rage and the thought that he'd retired. He'd left, and they still found him. The monsters, the boogeyman, your next door neighbor, whoever they were, they found them. They'd always find them.

He blamed Gideon next. Blamed him for leaving, leaving the team, leaving him. A letter was more than his father gave, but it still wasn't enough.

After that he blamed himself. He was still trying to find a plausible explanation why, he just did. His head was full of maybes and what if's, why's and how come's. None of them had answers, just doorways to more questions.

Emily poked his shoulder and nodded forward, he swallowed and walked into the morgue, it wasn't his imagination that it got colder.

"Hello?" Emily said, looking around, "I guess the doctors out" she picked up the medical chart and looked over it, she paused, "Hey Reid"

Spencer stepped up next to her, reading over her shoulder, "Their muscles were strained, especially in the arms"

"They had blisters on their hands as well, looks like they came from wood" Emily flipped the chart closed, "Oh my God"

Reid closed his eyes, flashes of Tobias Hankel going through his mind, "He made them dig their own graves"

Emily watched him, he could see her actively going against the no profiling team members rule. He brushed his hair out of his face, "I'm fine Emily"

Except he wasn't. He wasn't fine. Everywhere he looked he saw reminders of what he'd lost.

Emily put a hand on his arm, "Spencer, talk to me"

"There's nothing to talk about Emily!"

Spencer hadn't meant to yell, he sighed at Emily's abashed look, "I have given everything to this life" he rubbed a palm into his eye, "and all I've gotten in return is more pain, more loss more heartache and more reasons to give up"

He didn't know where that came from, but every word was true. Painfully, soul wrenchingly true.

"Then why haven't you?"

Spencer looked at Emily sharply, she tilted her head to the side. A sympathetic expression on her face, "There's something keeping you here Reid, you need to figure out what it is" she rubbed his arm and left the room.

After a few moments Spencer followed, her words swimming in his thoughts.

At the precinct they went over what they'd found, it was a painfully slow process, profiling. Making sure every fact is right, every estimation as close to the truth as possible.

Hotch watched him as Emily explained, Spencer was aware, he just couldn't bring himself to care. He could barely bring himself to care about anything anymore.

"Reid, may I speak to you?" Hotch phrased it as a question, but it really wasn't. He followed him into the hall, Hotch folded his arms, "I need-"

"My head in this" Spencer finished for him, head drooped to the floor.

"That's not what I was going to say" Hotch tilted his head and bent his knees a little, the way you did when you were talking to a grumpy kid, "I was going to say, I need you to communicate, to tell me when it's hard"

Spencer thought about lying, he changed his mind, it would only make Hotch more worried, "It's always hard lately"

Hotch opened his mouth to speak when Derek leaned in the door, "We're ready to give the profile"

Hotch nodded, then looked to Spencer with a 'this conversation isn't over' look and walked away. A large part of Spencer seriously contemplated running out the door, hopping on a cab and driving away. Anywhere but here.

He wanted to be anywhere but here.

\---

If a stranger asked Penelope what her favorite part of the job was she'd probably say helping people.

If a friend asked her she'd say sitting behind her keyboard, adrenaline racing, knowing the team benefited from her help.

She had just received the profile from Hotch, he said they were counting on her and hung up.

He was counting on her, that made Penelope smile at first, it faded fast. If Gideon had been counting on her, would he have died?

She wanted to say no and believe it. She didn't and she couldn't.

Penelope looked around at her desk, figurines and picture scattered everywhere, she made sure the search engine was running then stood, making her way to the back corner of her 'bat-cave'.

A few little gnomes and fairies sat there, mostly from Rossi. Every time he felt bad he'd drop one by, or on occasion, he'd bring one as an excuse to start a conversation. Penelope desperately wished she had the courage to tell him he didn't need gifts for her to be his friend.

She moved them aside and picked up a dusty picture frame, she blew the dust off and coughed a little. It was a picture of her, Hotch, Derek and Gideon. After a particularly good case, she'd convinced them to take a picture.

She said convinced, she really meant coerced.

Either way, it was a good picture, Derek had his arm around her, Hotch was smiling (something he used to do more often) and Gideon's lip was hitched up, you could almost say he was happy.

When he left, she'd hid the picture away, not wanting to look at it, to think about him being gone. She just about laughed, odd, how it took him really being gone for her to pick it back up again.

One thing Penelope Garcia despised were goodbyes, so how come that's all she really wanted right now? A wave. A word. Blasphemy o' lord, a hug!

Her computer dinged and she rushed to it, her eyes widened and she picked up the phone to call Derek.

It took her a few seconds to realize she was still holding the picture, she placed it in front of her and blinked back the oncoming tears. It could wait until after she gave the team the information they needed.

If a friend asked Penelope what her least favorite part of the job was, she'd say it was knowing about the ones they couldn't save.

If a stranger asked her, she'd say it was not knowing if her team could be saved.

\---

We do this for them right? All this pain and heartbreak is worth it because it keeps them safe?

Hotch had said yes. Even if he didn't believe it, he needed JJ to.

He wanted JJ to.

That was his job after all. Sure, he was supposed to tell them where to go, give them orders, correct them when they made mistakes, but that wasn't all of it. He'd realized it was more years ago, when Spencer was kidnapped.

Lead by example

What kind of example is that?

That was the start of it really, the caring. Eons ago Haley asked him why he couldn't leave, he'd told her it was the job. It was really the people.

He had a sense of protectiveness over them, every time they were hurt or hurting he felt like it was on him, which made this so much harder. He hadn't just lost a friend, he'd watched his team lose each other.

Hotch looked over his team, Emily standing next to JJ, neither of them talking, just... there. He asked himself if, after all they'd been through together, would they really be able to pick up the pieces this time.

Rossi sat flipping through his notebook, no pen in his hand. A look on his face that Hotch had seen every morning in the mirror since it happened. The notebook was old, too old to be part of the case. It held things Rossi never talked about, Hotch never asked.

Derek was on the phone with Penelope. Hotch had almost brought her along, he hadn't wanted to leave her there alone and something about her presence made the team feel safe. Safer at least. Derek's posture was tired, anger gone. Hotch had expected an outburst, he expected another before the young man made peace.

Spencer sat in a chair in the corner, staring out the window. Hotch's throat clenched, the way it did when Jack had fallen on the sidewalk outside the day before. Spencer was too young to be as smart as he was, too young to have seen what he's seen. He had seen it though, and he was smart. Smarter than Hotch, smarter even then Gideon was. He'd tell him someday, not now.

Derek got off the phone and waved it, "I have an address"

The team collectively stood, and after giving instructions to the local PD, they were headed away.

"His name is Frank Grayson, he's thirty eight. One week ago, his wife broke it off with him and she left without a word" JJ sat in the passenger seat and recited off her screen, Penelope's information tended to be organized.

Derek leaned forward from behind her seat, "If this is about his wife, why different ethnicities, and why make them dig their own grave?"

Spencer leaned forward as well, joining the conversation, "Burying them alive is probably ritualistic, divorces are expensive, his emotional health isn't good. He's buried in what he thinks she's done to him. As for the women, Garcia said all of them were joggers who frequented the same stores as Grayson's wife"

"It's not about looks" JJ looked at Hotch, "It's behaviour"

 

Hotch looked back at her, then in the rear-view mirror at the rest of them, "If his surrogates don't match in physical attributes, then he's dissociating, when he's cornered, he'll see everyone as the enemy"

He pulled up to the house, no sirens. They didn't want to startle him and make him run. Rossi and Emily pulling up close next to them. They walked to the door slowly, hands on their gun belts.

Hotch crashed through the door, yelling 'FBI' and 'stay where you are', checking through the house took only a few minutes. When they met back at the door, echoes of 'clear' still wafted through the house.

Rossi paced the room, "I don't get it, there's no way he'd still be camping"

"Wait, we said it was ritualistic" Spencer said, Hotch nodded, not bothering to tell him that his 'we' should really be a 'I'.

"Then why not bury them in some random pile of dirt somewhere, he chose Bryce for a reason"

Derek nodded, "You're right," He took out his phone and dialed a number, "Hey Baby Girl, we need your help on something"

Penelope's voice came back through the receiver as clear as if she was there with them, "Anything my love"

Spencer stepped forward, almost leaning against Derek, "Can you tell me if Grayson and his wife ever went anywhere in Bryce Canyon? It would have been special like a first date or a-"

"Honeymoon?" Penelope cut him off.

"Um, I suppose it could be, though most couples leave town for their honeymoons"

"Not this one," Penelope's words got faster, Hotch's cue to usher them out the door and back to their SUV's, "After the Grayson's were married they took a week long trip to Bryce Canyon, they stayed at Bryce Canyon Grand Hotel and according to Franks Facebook page, their favorite hike was Queen's Garden"

Derek thanked her and hung up, they started their SUV's, Hotch turned to JJ as he pulled onto the road, "Let the park rangers know"

She nodded and pulled out her own phone.

**

It went well, they found Frank with his wife, a shovel in her hands. Frank surrendered after a few words from Emily, they made sure his wife was taken care of, and they got on their jet to go home.

Cases like that were the ones Hotch chose to put first, before all the ones gone wrong. Frank Grayson had given in.

Frank Breitkopf hadn't.

He tried not to think about that, about the train, about Sarah, about Gideon.

He didn't want to bring up the past, but how could he not? Frank was the turning point, the break in the dam that even the great Jason Gideon couldn't fix.

He looked at his team again, either sleeping or listening to music or just sitting, for once Hotch didn't profile. He just saw. Saw his team, his family, and smiled.

We do this for them right? All this pain and heartbreak is worth it because it keeps them safe?

Yes. It's worth it. Every second.

\---

Emily sat with her hands in her lap. The past few days were a blur, before that, crystal clear. Everything she wanted to forget fresh on her mind, yet the woman they had saved thank you's fell on deaf ears.

She looked up when Spencer sat in front of her, a soft smile playing on his lips. She smiled back, "How goes it?"

She tried not to wince at the nerdiness of that sentence, Spencer just laughed, "It goeth good"

They sat still and watched each other, Spencer finally gave in and spoke, "You asked me what my reason was, why I haven't given up?"

Emily nodded and held her breath, knowing this could go one of two ways.

"It's you"

She sighed in relief as he continued,

"It's Derek and JJ and Penelope and Rossi and Hotch" He looked down, "It's Gideon"

Tentatively, she reached forward and patted his hand, "He was a great man"

"He was good man"

Emily smiled even more. She looked out the window, DC seeming like a miniature town under them.

It had been easier before.

Easier to do the job.

Easier to be part of the team.

Gideon told her once that if it was easy, you weren't giving it your best. She'd just have to give it her best from now on.

**Author's Note:**

> I am actually really sorry about the seemingly rushed ending. I'm also sorry about the lack of Reid and Morgan, I din't realize until I was done.


End file.
